When Having that Hard Conversation isn’t as Hard as You Think
Emily noticed the anger rise in her as she tried to express the project tasks and details to her coworker, Carl. She was tasked with leading the project and she prided herself in producing good work. But she had a feeling Carl was going to make this more difficult than it needed to be. She was growing increasingly agitated by Carl’s dismissive posture and minimizing tone. He kept finishing her sentences and wondering out loud, "This is a lot of work. Isn't there a better, more efficient way to do this?"
Emily was agitated. She thought to herself, "Yeah, it’d be a lot more efficient with you off the project team." Her sassy musings were interrupted when, to her shock, Carl just got up and left the room. Not only was she still outlining the project, but this behaviour was unbelievable in a professional setting.
The interaction grated on her all day. She was most likely planning to leave it and move on, hoping the next encounter would be different. She felt the minor incident would be embarrassing to revisit.
As she shared this with me, I asked her if we could unpack the situation further. I walked her through the process I take clients through who are wanting to create change in a relationship, or in a greater system. We began with the inciting incident.
Notice
Emily first noted her feelings of anger towards her coworker. She had felt frustrated in his response to her, and she had noticed herself shutting down. As I probed further, she recognized that she felt a personal threat to her sense of self. His actions left her feeling disrespected, as if he couldn’t learn from her. If she really admitted it, she was left wondering whether she was leading well, and if the team would buy-in to the process she created.
Emily's decision to disengage was not solely a reaction to how she was perceived by others; she also highlighted that it was a response to a relational threat. Carl's lack of cooperation fell short of Emily's expectations of her colleagues, and she felt he was obstructing the successful outcome she hoped for.
Pro Tip: Identifying what real or perceived “threats” are present can help us understand what motivated our behaviours that bring conflict to the surface. Emily’s response of “freezing” is an example of a conflict behaviour (just like Carl’s decision to “flee”). With this information, people can understand why they made certain decisions while under threat, giving them more awareness to change future behaviours that can de-escalate tensions.
Deliberate Options
From this place of self-awareness and greater perspective, Emily recognized her freeze response in the encounter was not serving her. Emily brainstormed some possible ways forward and evaluated each against her goal of successfully completing the project as a team:
She could go to her boss and complain:
While this might “get Carl in line,” this would most likely spoil any cooperative posture from Carl in the future.
She could do nothing and hope for a better interaction next time:
Carl’s patterns of behaviour would say otherwise. Ignoring the issue would most likely make Emily more easily triggered in future encounters, possibly worsening the relationship. This inaction would also reinforce the idea that Emily's feelings are less valuable than Carl's and she would be buying in to the lie that suppressing her emotions is "harmless."
She could gossip about Carl to her co-workers:
While this might provide temporary brevity, this stands against Emily’s values, and would not build trust amongst her coworkers.
Finally, she could talk to Carl about the unfavourable exchange:
This would hopefully allow her to gain understanding of his perspective and maybe the project workflow would improve.
What do you think Emily chose to do?
Pro Tip: You might think some of these options are ridiculous to write out. The idea of gossiping or reporting a co-worker for a minor grievance seems immature. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we might realize that these decisions are more common than the last one (to confront). The decisions we make in conflict are most often subconscious decisions to defend against something that is at stake for us. When our identity comes under attack, or we fear losing access to something important to us, our bodies detect this perceived threat and react: we shut down, we avoid, we try to smooth out the wrinkles prematurely, or we lash out or vent to others. Ultimately, these responses can lead to making poor decisions in conflicts and tense social interactions.
Emily realized that altering the dynamics with Carl required a shift in her thinking and its influence on decision-making. Through self-reflection and awareness of her emotional responses, she gained the ability to consider various options and assess their alignment with her desired outcomes. Recognizing that her previous approach of inaction had yielded no change, Emily understood the necessity of adopting a different engagement strategy to foster collaboration with Carl.
Deciding to Engage
Emily had the conversation (yay Emily!) She opened the exchange with an observation (rather than an accusation that would put Carl on the defensive). She noted to Carl, “I wanted to follow up about how we left the conversation yesterday. I heard you naming that the project was a lot of work.” Then she paused. She left space for Carl to respond to her neutral observation, to allow him an opportunity to reflect on it.
Pro Tip: When talking to someone about a conflict experience, they will be primed to defend. You can provide more neutrality by noting an observation about behaviour that is not ladened with judgement. For Emily to reflect what she heard Carl say, she is using his own words to deepen her understanding of what he experienced.
To ease her uncertainty about the exchange, Emily and I prepared for the conversation in two ways:
If Carl continued with frustration and venting, Emily had a “redo” to engage with greater perspective and curiosity. Her goal was to ask probing questions for deeper understanding, eventually expressing back what she perceived from Carl. Ideally, she wanted to identify the underlying emotion or concern he was experiencing.
If Carl disengaged and dismissed the prior conversation, Emily planned to assert her need for understanding. She would express, "Yesterday's conversation was important to me because I value collaborative work and project success. It would benefit us if we better understood each other. What were your takeaways from our discussion?" This approach aimed to make Emily feel heard or offer another chance to clarify her thoughts.
During their interaction the following day, Emily observed the ongoing exchange with Carl. While he continued sharing his uncertainties about the project, Emily provided additional clarity. However, she didn't perceive an increased curiosity from Carl towards her. Notably, he didn't offer an apology or acknowledge his abrupt departure from their previous conversation.
Pro Tip: While it's disheartening, in conflicts, we can only manage our own actions. Individuals respond to perceived threats in their own ways, often choosing to defend, thereby escalating the conflict. Acknowledging this, we can enhance our empathy by remaining curious. By asking questions and delving into the underlying threats others may be experiencing, we gain new insights that can inform our way forward.
The Power of Curiosity
Carl may not have responded exactly how Emily would have hoped, but something in their working relationship had shifted. She felt they started the day on opposing teams, but after she initiated a conversation, they finished being on the same team.
When I asked Emily how she felt about the exchange, she said, “It was pretty chill.” She then proceeded to apologize for not being able to relay a more dramatic ending to her coworker dispute. Before she could say more, I stopped her and noted, “That’s the whole point!”
When we’re curious in conflict: noticing our triggers, reflecting mindfully, and engaging intentionally, the tensions we fear will escalate, actually end up being “pretty chill.”
Stay curious,
Jodi