5 Prompts to Discern When to Leave
There may come a time when a conflict or a conflict-ridden environment intensifies to the extent that you contemplate completely removing yourself from it. I believe that engaging in conflict can be an opportunity, but I also recognize that this mindset has its limitations. Sometimes, your involvement in the issues may only be causing you additional harm.
In conflicts, there exists a paradox where both optimism and realism must coexist. I wouldn't be involved in conflict management work if I didn't believe there are ways to navigate challenging circumstances, and that overcoming them can create positive change. However, alongside this optimism, a healthy dose of realism is essential. This realism involves facing the current reality rather than living in the illusion of what one wishes it to be. Conflict has the potential to be transformative or destructive, damaging or renewing. Confronting that reality for ourselves, might lead us to the conclusion that we need to walk away.
When I refer to "leaving," I'm addressing the idea of removing yourself from situations where your attempts to bring about change have proven futile. This discernment often pertains to individuals within institutions, organizations, or communities centred around shared goals where complex issues arise. It's not about "giving up" at the first sign of resistance, but rather determining when your efforts for change are not yielding your desired results, and your persistence is taking a toll on your well-being.
Some argue that people should stay within broken systems to effect change, believing that remaining has the potential to influence transformation. While this perspective seems admirable, optimistically enduring in conflict may sometimes overlook the sobering truth: systemic conflicts are designed to self-perpetuate. There are limits to our influence over toxic structures, especially when considering our positions of power and influence within the system.
When deciding what to do, we need to maintain both optimism and realism simultaneously.
In Jim Collins' Good to Great, he recounts the story of Admiral Jim Stockdale, who survived eight years of detention and torture during the Vietnam War. Stockdale's ability to endure stemmed from facing the brutal reality of his situation while maintaining faith in the eventual resolution. This juxtaposition of optimism and realism is encapsulated in the Stockdale Paradox: "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
He tragically observes that those who didn’t survive, died of broken hearts, continuously anticipating release dates that kept passing them by.
Though our circumstances differ vastly from Stockdale's, the universal insight is a commitment to facing the truth. Optimism, without truth, can lead to our downfall. Sometimes, the most effective way to reform broken systems is to withdraw your endorsing presence from them.
Prompts to Support your Discernment:
Confront the reality of your situation. Imagine yourself in the same situation in five years from now. What does that feel like? What alternate outcome would you hope for?
Is your hope for change blinding the facts in front of you? Have you made attempts to alter the system? Have you witnessed any positive trajectory of from your efforts?
What’s at stake? Every unpleasant environment we endure is having an impact on us. What is it costing you emotionally, relationally, physically? What is keeping you in it?
Identify your options. Unlike Stockdale, in most cases you have the option to leave your dire circumstance. It may feel like you don’t, and there are likely limiting factors to your freedom of choice, but you always have choice.
Make a plan. Once you’ve determined your options, you need to decide what to do. But the choice is not enough. Who will support you? What steps will you need to take to transition out of the conflict?
If you are in a position where you are considering leaving, I’m so sorry. Systemic conflicts can be relentless and devastating. These decisions can feel insurmountable, but I wish you the courage not to underestimate your agency and the power you do have to make decisions that influence the quality of your life and relationships.
Stay curious,
Jodi