Uncovering what’s Most Significant for the Other
My running thesis is that curiosity is the way through all our conflicts. I have yet to meet a situation where curiosity wasn’t useful. Curiosity doesn’t necessarily solve the problem, and frankly, not all problems are solvable or even should be solved. But curiosity leads to greater understanding and meaningful connection — two things that drive real change in our relationships and challenge our assumptions.
While I feel that curiosity is always useful, it’s not always appropriately leveraged. We can ask questions at unhelpful times, probe too deeply, or fail to read the room. Like any skill, curiosity requires practice.
One common misconception about curiosity is assuming that merely asking questions equates to being curious. At a minimum, this is evidence of curiosity, but I would categorize this as level one. Level two, involves letting your curiosity be guided by others.
A friend of mine (we’ll call her Mandy) modelled this well when she was connecting with her coworker (Ryan) the other day. Mandy deviated from routine small talk and asked Ryan about some of his past experiences, showcasing level 1 curiosity. She discovered that Ryan used to live in the Yukon and also learned that he had written a memoir about himself.
Both of these facts were new to Mandy, and she recognized that each contained additional stories that could steer the conversation in various directions. Mandy followed up, advancing her curiosity, specifically about Ryan’s memoir. Why? Because it was evident that this was something important to him.
When Ryan mentioned his memoir, his body posture straightened, his face lit up, and it seemed like he was acknowledging something sacred. The conversation began with Mandy following her own curiosity, but as Ryan shared more, Mandy directed her questions toward what Ryan was most interested in. This shift is key to meaningful connection. Through this intentional process of discovery, Mandy was not merely acquiring new facts; she was deepening her understanding of her coworker, Ryan, by focusing what was most important to him. And as a result, Ryan felt more seen and understood.
Level 2 curiosity is about uncovering insights that hold value for the person you’re being curious about. It’s less about what you learn, and it’s more about exploring what is most significant to the other person.
So the next time you find yourself in a meaningful conversation with someone, see if you can advance your curiosity:
Start by wondering about the other person. What do you not know about them? What assumptions might you have that you can explore the truth behind?
Pose an open question: Start with “what” or “how”, avoiding leading questions or those answerable with yes/no. Typically the simpler the better (e.g What was [name an experience] like for you?)
Reflect back what you are hearing them say, and keep your curiosity focused on what they are saying. Don’t become distracted by extraneous details and facts that you are wondering about. Challenge yourself to follow what they are saying and remain curious about what they are revealing. This initiates the process of deepening.
See if you can gain a new insight about what matters to them! If you discover something new, reflect back to them what you are hearing them say and how it is important to them.
If you reach this point, I can imagine that you have made someone’s day — not only by making them feel seen and understood, but most likely deepening your relationship with them in the process.
Stay curious,
Jodi