Managing Tensions: How to Approach Ongoing Relational Tensions
A piece of advice that’s been most helpful for me, is that family’s are not problems to solve, but tensions to manage.
If your aim is to eliminate all conflicts in your life, you may find yourself exhausted and disappointed. Family dynamics teach us that it's not about eradicating problems but about effectively managing the tensions that come with differing beliefs, experiences, and expectations for relationship. Some people in our lives may be challenging, but every interaction with them provides an opportunity to learn, plant a seed, gain perspective, or foster curiosity—building our capacity for conflict. Approaching conflicts with this mindset makes navigating them easier over time.
While growth in some recurring relationships may seem slow, or in others, it may feel stagnant, remember that when people act beyond our control, we still have choices. We can't change their actions, but we can choose how we respond.
Patterns in relationships often indicate future behaviours, and the likelihood of change depends on introducing something new. During family time this holiday season you may have tried initiating a confronting, hard, or thoughtful conversation with a family member or friend. When confronted, people typically respond in one of three ways.
1. Recognition & Remorse
If someone acknowledges the addressed behaviours, expresses remorse, and commits to change, it's worth staying engaged. Identifying the issue is the first step toward change. Commit to revisiting the conversation and collaborating on mutual goals.
2. Deny & Dismiss
If someone denies named behaviours and dismisses the issues, set boundaries. While the situation may feel out of control, you have agency in setting limits. This is crucial to creating consequences for actions and showing that change is necessary. Setting boundaries is unique to the situation, and talking these through with a trusted friend, mentor or counsellor is helpful.
Examples of boundaries include saying no, establishing time limits, prioritizing your needs, disengaging from emotionally draining conversations, or creating an environment to intentionally chat (ie. no phone use, or asking someone to mediate).
If you need motivation for change, consider this exercise from Henry Cloud, author of "Necessary Endings": Stand in front of a mirror and be honest with yourself. What does your current situation feel like? Sense it: feel it, smell it, and imagine it playing out. Now, think about the future. Take those present sensations with you. Could you imagine still being surrounded by those same emotions and sensations in three or four years’ time? What will you do to change this?
3. Ignore & Counterattack
The final response may necessitate protecting yourself from the relationship. This is a painful realization that there can be people in our lives who want (or are unintentionally) causing us harm, but if someone disregards what you're saying and poses a threat to your safety, consider breaking ties and seeking help if needed.
None of these options are easy, but they each offer a different way to manage the tensions that you may be experiencing. Remember, progress may be gradual, and setbacks are a natural part of the process. Fostering right relationship can be clumsy but it’s a very worthwhile effort. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate the intricate terrain of family dynamics. In doing so, you're not just managing tensions; you're actively shaping your capacity to navigate future conflicts with grace, wisdom, and resilience.
Commit to the long game of managing tensions and stay curious,
Jodi