Conflict is Kind: Giving & Receiving Feedback
Some of the conflicts I’ve grieved the most were the ones where I heard after the fact that there was a question or concern with me, and no one came to me directly. I was robbed of the opportunity to learn, to understand, or even to provide an explanation (if warranted). Without speaking to me directly, people observed my behaviour from afar, created their own narratives, their own rationale for how I acted, and made their own conclusive judgments. Many of these relationships, once close, have since grown distant. There’s no guarantee that a conversation would have rectified the situation, but I never had the opportunity.
I’ve been asked quite a bit lately for tips on how to give and receive feedback. There’s no question it’s a challenging task—for both the giver and the receiver. The pit in our stomach easily explains why many people avoid the conversation altogether. There seems to be too much risk, too much uncertainty, too much that can go terribly wrong. We rationalize that we’ve managed for this long, so why not just leave things as they are. But if we really think about it, what if the undesirable relational state persisted for another 5 years? For many people this can be a wake up call that spurs them to act. So if you don’t want this same dynamic in the future, what needs to happen today to enact that change?
Often, it’s providing someone feedback, giving them the information they need to change.
Why Feedback is Necessary
People can’t read our minds. They don’t know when harm has been caused or when we’re disappointed, or frustrated. They may notice we’ve become distant, or passive aggressive, but they don’t know what’s wrong. In order to know the impact of our behaviours on others, someone has to ask, or someone has to disclose.
Bringing up the hard conversation can have all our internal sensors going off. Whether we’re aware of them or not, we can feel the risks. How will they receive it? How will they respond? How might they defend? What if it doesn’t change? What will they think about me? There’s no doubt that giving critical feedback to someone can sting and it can leave the relationship vulnerable. However they respond, you can’t unsay it and they can’t “unknow” it. The relationship won’t be the same.
The same applies to the person on the receiving end of the conversation. When they take in what’s being said to them, they’re thinking: What does this mean? What does this person think of me? What am I supposed to do now? These challenging conversations are conflictual, they hold sensitive information, and they communicate that circumstances may not have been what they seem. One way or another, the equilibrium has changed and the status quo is disrupted.
So if there is all this uncertainty and risk, why have the conversation? That’s where most people’s logic takes them. They pull back from revealing confronting truths to others because they prefer to stick with the pain of what they know, rather than venturing into the uncertain pain that may come from giving feedback. While this may seem valiant, our resistance to giving feedback most often comes as a result of our own intolerance of discomfort. And in this way, it’s a way of protecting ourselves rather than caring for the individual. Genuine care means sharing feedback about the impacts of their actions on others.
Let’s say for a minute that we ignore the necessary conversation. What’s the consequences? Let’s look at a few examples.
Ignoring the Hard Conversations
Dirty Dishes
Eva and her roommate, Sarah, share an apartment. Lately, Sarah has been leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days, despite their agreed-upon cleaning schedule. Eva feels frustrated but doesn’t bring it up, fearing Sarah might think she’s overly controlling or difficult to live with.
Eva starts avoiding Sarah, spending more time out of the apartment and becoming passive-aggressive, like banging pots while cleaning up. Sarah senses the tension but doesn’t know why Eva is upset. Over time, the atmosphere becomes increasingly strained, and Eva decides to move out, leaving their relationship fractured. Sarah could sense their relationship deteriorating for some time, but couldn’t pinpoint where things went wrong.
Lacking Collaboration
Priya, a project manager, notices that her colleague, James, frequently interrupts others in team meetings, dominating discussions and sidelining other perspectives. Priya is frustrated because the team’s morale is suffering, but she doesn’t address it, worried it might damage their working relationship or create awkwardness.
Other team members grow disengaged, feeling their ideas aren’t valued. One of their strongest team members quietly resigns, citing a lack of collaboration as the reason. As more team members shrink into their shells, it seems this is only bolstering James’ personality, as he fills in all the available space. Priya feels guilty for not addressing James’ pattern of behaviour sooner, but now feels stuck in what to say that could make a difference.
Not so Funny Jokes
In a close-knit group of friends, Michael often makes sarcastic jokes at Julia’s expense. Julia laughs along to avoid rocking the boat but deep down she feels hurt and undervalued. There’s visible discomfort amongst their friends but others also don’t intervene. No one is quite sure how to address it without creating drama.
Julia starts declining invitations to group events, feeling unsupported. The group dynamic shifts, with Julia’s absence creating a void. Michael’s jokes continue to take centre stage through the mild encouragement of nervous laughter. The group progressively loses its closeness.
Each of us can picture these scenarios (if not, remember our own lived experiences). The reality is, it will always be easier to let it go, to not do anything, and see if it will work itself out. In reality, this is rarely the case, as most unspoken tensions grow in intensity—the living situation becomes unbearable, the tension in the office erodes the collaborative culture, or the friendship grows distant.
Conflict is Kind
It’s for these reasons, I believe that Conflict is Kind. Seemingly a paradox, avoiding conflict to maintain superficial peace is what is truly unkind. Too often we are “nice.” We appease, we want to keep the peace. We don’t say anything because it might hurt their feelings or we selfishly want to maintain our comfort. But then they don’t change, and our relationship suffers anyway.
When we withhold the critical information from others, we become part of the problem. We become enablers that keep people stuck. Alternatively, we can provide support to those we care about by reflecting back to them the impacts of their behaviour on others. In this way, people have a choice how they want to respond—reject the feedback and remain defensive, or integrate the feedback and shift their relationships.
Careful Discernment
You might be reading this and thinking, it’s not that simple. And you’re right. Conflicts are rarely as simple as I’ve outlined here. Each conflict takes place within a unique context that influences the container of the conversation. It involves unique people, with histories, sensitivities, and characteristics. The only thing we know for sure is that we don’t know how it will turn out. Every conversation has risks, which we can take into consideration.
Hard conversations don’t always go how we hope. If the other person reacts defensively or dismissively, we can persist, but they must be ready to receive. However, we can create conditions that increase the chances of a productive exchange. Here are key considerations for both giving and receiving feedback.
Practicing Conflict Agility
Go In: Be Aware of Defence Responses
Giving Feedback: Exploring for yourself what is at stake and what has felt threatened can give you awareness to prepare for what you will disclose. The less reactive you feel, the more you can prepare for the unexpected and navigate their response. Also be aware of their defence responses and how that could influence the conversation (see “receiving feedback” box) ⬇️
Receiving Feedback: It’s natural to defend when someone is sharing critical feedback with us. As you are listening, breathe. The moment you want to react and defend your actions, pause. Listen and take in what they are saying. Be mindful of your desire to shut down, or lash out, or abandon the conversation altogether.
Also be mindful if you are quick to appease and say “all good!” Stay present to what’s being shared. You might need to take in what’s being said and respond at a later time. If you feel your internal systems going off, asking for time to process the information is very appropriate and can help you shape a more regulated response.
Go Up: Keep the Overall Hope for the Relationship in Mind
Giving Feedback: If you’re anxious going into the conversation, Go Up and gain perspective. Think about the trajectory you would hope for this relationship to have. Think about the hopes you have for this individual in the context that you know them in. Explicitly name that longterm goal and trust that this conversation is purposeful in getting there.
Receiving Feedback: As you are taking in challenging information, think about where you thought the relationship was and the future trajectory you desire for it. Know that this conversation is an important opportunity in achieving that relational goal.
Also consider where you might be influencing other environments with these named behaviours.
Go Out: Stay Curious
Giving Feedback: As you’ve become mindful of your interior processing, and gained perspective on the orientation of the relationship, have the conversation with embodied curiosity. Seek to understand their intentions, be open to learning something new, and listen intently for gaps in your own thinking that they are able to fill in. Collaborate on the way forward from here together.
Receiving Feedback: While you may want to defend and provide your rationale for your behaviour, stay curious, and seek to understand the impacts of your behaviour on the other. While your intentions are important and can provide context to the situation, what you can learn through the conversation is your blind spots—the impacts of your actions on others. This will most likely be new information, so ask questions for further clarity. Most likely the person will share less than they think, waiting to see how you respond. Asking follow up questions will help them unpack the true impact, which gives you critical information to be able to make changes.
Leaving you with a few final thoughts:
Change Starts with Awareness: People can’t change behaviours they can’t name, and we can’t understand impacts unless people reflect back to us.
What’s the Threat? How we navigate our internal responses to feedback (and conflictual feelings) can significantly influence the trajectory of the relationship and positive change.
Honest Expression Creates Opportunity: Having the courage to say what we’re feeling is giving people the opportunity to understand, repair, grow, and build trust.
Staying curious,
Jodi