Holding the Tension: Why Emotional Risk Might Be Necessary

Over the last few months, I’ve led several trainings introducing Conflict Agility. Each time, the pattern is the same: people find the content intriguing. They like the premise. It resonates.

Then comes the application.

We tap into the real conflict in the room and there’s a palpable shift. People are hesitant. They disengage, shut down, or hold their breath. It’s a natural response. Their bodies are going into survival mode, sensing the possible threat. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn kicks in.

It makes sense why people pull back at this point. Everything in their biological system is saying to them: this is not safe, think of the dangers.

Worst case scenarios are running through their minds. And so, they stop. It feels safer to stay with the tension they know than to risk what they don’t.

And it might be safer. But is safe the ultimate goal?

Our lives are full of risks we’ve chosen to take—moments when we navigated uncertainty to reach something better:

  • Signing up for your first race

  • Going back to school midlife

  • Asking for a promotion or raise

  • Moving to a new city

  • Trying a new sport or hobby

  • Leaving a relationship that looks good on paper but didn’t feel right

  • Sharing your art or creative passion with others

We’ve embraced risk in other parts of life to pursue a more meaningful future. The same applies when we feel the discomfort of tension. We can shrink back and maintain the status quo—or we can face the discomfort with purpose and move through it.

My colleague John Radford puts it this way:

“Peace is not the absence of conflict. It’s holding the tension with purpose.”

The key wording here is with purpose. We don’t dig up tension for the sake of it. We engage it because something matters on the other side:

  • Working more collaboratively as a team

  • Clarifying roles, expectations, or boundaries

  • Creating a more honest and trusting relationship

  • Repairing harm or addressing unmet needs

  • Refining a shared decision

  • Advocating against an injustice

  • Breaking a pattern that’s no longer serving anyone

Yes, we need stability. And yes, each of us has a different threshold for risk.

But the only way to build capacity is to find your growth edge. Each time we hold the tension—even for a few more breaths—we build resilience. We expand our ability to stay present in conflict. We grow.

In this series, we’re going to explore what it means to hold the tension with purpose—and why doing so can be transformative.

Here’s what’s coming:

  • Why we should hold the tension instead of absorbing the issues

  • Why we should hold the tension to understand what’s really wrong

  • Why, when we hold the tension, we’re not only going to be okay—we might just become better for it

What situation comes to mind as you think about holding the tension with purpose?

Staying curious,

Jodi

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Conflict is Kind: Giving & Receiving Feedback