Seeing Conflict as an Opportunity
During a recent training, I was wrapping up my introduction—laying out where conflict resolution can fall short, emphasizing that conflict is inevitable, and highlighting the opportunity it presents when harnessed—when a participant suddenly raised their hand, “Wait… you’re saying conflict isn’t bad??”
For this individual (and, judging by the room’s reaction, many others), the idea that conflict could be anything but destructive was a revelation. It was a reminder that, despite how often I teach this material, the notion of embracing conflict as a necessary and even valuable part of life is still a radical shift for many.
When most people think of conflict, the most potent examples come to mind. The yelling matches with siblings, the entrenched workplace conflict that irreparably damaged relationships, the poorly handled disagreements that tore communities apart.
When people think of conflict, the most intense examples come to mind—the shouting match with a sibling, the workplace feud that left relationships irreparable, the poorly handled disagreement that fractured a community.
Conflict is a signal that something important is at stake—something we value feels threatened, prompting us to act or react in self-protection. Simply put, conflict arises out of care.
All that being said, I’m not going to lie to you and say that conflict isn’t uncomfortable. The thing is, when something matters to us our brain goes spinny, we don’t think clearly, and our biological defenses—hello, adrenaline—kick into overdrive. That’s why conflict feels messy and why, sometimes, we just want to retreat.
How Competency increases Confidence
My approach to conflict started to shift as I learned more about it. I began to recognize how it showed up in my body and how to read the subtle cues that something was off. I discovered tools to regulate myself when I felt activated and learned to make sense of what was happening inside me—my thoughts, emotions, and the stories fuelling my reactions.
I learned how to gain perspective on what was taking place within me and how I could deliberate more discerned options for how I could respond to day to day conflictual encounters. Over time, I felt more in control, more empowered, and less reactive.
Conflict is inevitable, but what changed for me was learning to see it as an opportunity. As I built my capacity to engage with conflict, I gained deeper self-awareness, broke unhealthy relationship patterns, and learned to collaborate more effectively—even in disagreement.
I don’t get it perfect by any means. I’m still incredibly defensive when someone gives me feedback. I’m still highly reactive when someone violates something that is important to me. And I still say what feels good rather than what would be helpful in more encounters than I would like to admit.
We don’t have to pretend conflict is awesome. But we also can’t pretend it isn’t there. So if it’s inevitable, what if we chose to embrace it as an opportunity?