Why Suppressing Conflict Is Harming You, and What You Can do About It
My morning began with irritation. Upon entering the living room, I felt a surge of annoyance seeing my sister occupying a specific chair. You might think this was an exaggerated reaction, and you’re not wrong, but there are a few missing details that colour in my reaction. This chair happens to be the sole seating option in our living room since my sister sold our old couch and ordered a new one, which is delayed by two months. So, yes, there's just this one solitary chair available (if we don't consider the pouf on the floor). Waking up, I subconsciously assumed that the chair would be mine until our seating situation was restored. Clearly, my sister and I had not aligned our expectations.
Can you sense the irritation?
Curiosity towards the Self
Every once in a while I have the insight to practice what I preach. So while I made my coffee, I took a moment to notice what I was feeling. I noted my irritation and traced it back to my anticipation of reading in that chair, disrupted by my sister’s actions. There was a practical gap (lack of seating), a relational gap (my sister's decision-making), and a structural gap (shipping delays), all culminating in the complexity I faced this morning as I simmered internally.
A fundamental aspect of emotional intelligence is recognizing and understanding both our own and others’ emotions. When emotions are heightened, something important to us is most likely at stake, meaning conflict often arises. Our feelings have a source, and that source in conflict is the decision to defend and protect something that matters to us. Enhancing our ability to detect bodily tension and interpret heightened emotions provides crucial insights to navigate conflicts effectively.
Why Suppressing Conflicts is Costly
Traditionally, people have been encouraged to "manage" emotions — which typically results in unhealthy patterns of minimizing and suppressing. Society tends to affirm this pattern of not “rocking the boat,” when in reality this is a liability. Gabor Maté, in The Myth of Normal, suggests that traits like agreeability and excessive selflessness, along with the suppression of anger, may predispose individuals to chronic illnesses. Being overly accommodating in conflicts might seem noble, but it often comes at a high cost. At best, it's uncomfortable; at worst, it could be detrimental to our health.
One might argue that they refrain from expressing concerns or speaking up because they fear damaging the relationship. However, approaching conflict with curiosity about our own needs and those of others can foster trust and reinforce the foundation of relationships. Engaging in conflict effectively not only benefits our physical health but it also strengthens relationships across all contexts.
Harnessing Emotions
Rather than viewing emotions as inconveniences, we can shift our perspective to view emotions as valuable insights. By understanding what our emotions are communicating and identifying the triggers, we can diffuse internal tension and engage our rational thinking to envision possible paths forward.
As I think back to my agitated morning, I took a moment to acknowledge my dilemma and consider my options: I could confront, I could ignore my reading time and start other work, or I could find an alternative spot to sit. I ultimately evaluated that I wanted to read and enjoy my coffee, and upon reflecting, realized I was not entitled to the chair. So, I took my coffee cup and books to read at the kitchen table (reluctant, but also less agitated).
Through curious inquiry to my interiority, I was able to notice the tension, identify the emotions, and discern options forward. The possibility of an escalated interpersonal conflict avoided.
Practicing Curiosity
I continually need this reminder to “go in” and explore what I’m feeling. Despite giving an example of when I managed to introspect, I’m the first person to admit that I can be a hot-head of reactivity when I detect a sense of threat (and if I don't acknowledge it, my sister certainly will). For instance, I might have omitted the part where I passive-aggressively quipped about her being in the chair and inquired how long she intended on using it.
Cultivating curiosity is more than an intellectual exercise; it requires an embodied practice. This isn't something you can master just by studying—it needs to be actively practiced so it becomes second nature when you need it most. No matter where you are in your journey toward greater curiosity, it’s important to celebrate every small victory: recognizing the initial bodily tension, engaging with your emotions, understanding what those emotions signify, evaluating your choices, or posing a thoughtful question. These steps are all part of building that essential muscle of curiosity.
As our ability to be curious improves, so does our capacity to handle conflict. The better we are at managing conflict, the more likely we are to address tensions as they arise. Engaging in this way helps prevent the accumulation of stress in our bodies, which can otherwise deteriorate our overall well-being.
Stay curious,
Jodi