It’s Going to Get Worse Before it Gets Better

The Temptation to Hastily Move Forward

Despite their expressed desire to move forward, a palpable heaviness hung in the air, hinting at unspoken tensions. Jen and Nathan were coworkers who had been entangled in a conflict for over a year, stemming from a single explosive incident—a heated exchange during a meeting where regrettable words were exchanged on both sides. While attempts at reconciliation had been made shortly after the incident, they were hurried and failed to acknowledge the full impact of their actions. Now, nearly a year later, they found themselves meeting again, this time with a mediator, as tensions had only escalated since the initial reconciliation attempt.

As they came to this meeting, they were quick to note that they wanted to leave the past behind them. Everyone was eager to move on. I couldn’t help but think of the irony, as this hasty mindset was what got them to this very point of needing intervention a year later.

The Root Issues

The impulse to move forward swiftly is a common human tendency, especially when confronting the discomfort of past events. We think the future holds an alternative reality, but we forget that actions must be taken to facilitate whatever that future reality might be. In our haste to progress, we can inadvertently prolong the discomfort by failing to confront underlying issues. Conflict doesn’t have to be as messy as we make it. While uncomfortable, it can also serve as an opportunity for growth.

When conflicts surface, it's crucial to delve beneath the surface and explore root causes - like tending to any growing plant. When attending to a wilting plant, we must examine the roots to determine if issues such as overwatering, dryness, or constraints are hindering growth.

Jen and Nathan’s eagerness to move forward without addressing underlying concerns was akin to a misdiagnosis of continuously watering a plant that had compromised soil. Their relationship's foundation had been disrupted by both triggering events and compounded by neglecting the past hurts, inevitably depleting trust and stifling growth.

Getting Curious

To explore beneath the surface, we need to get curious. This curiosity can begin with introspection—what emotions and narratives are we experiencing? It can also extend to others—what are their experiences, concerns, and aspirations? By unraveling the underlying "threats" driving defensive behaviours, we can gain deeper insights into the root causes of conflicts.

While getting curious may be uncomfortable, as it involves unearthing suppressed truths, it's necessary for genuine growth. Progressing through the discomfort— the journey my colleague John Radford calls "the dip"—allows us to confront the reality of our circumstances rather than clinging to surface-level harmony. Although navigating the dip may intensify tensions momentarily, it paves the way for genuine growth in relationships.

Jen and Nathan wanted to stay on the surface where things were more comfortable. They assumed they could move ahead and improve their relationship by staying on the surface. They couldn’t get to a place where they were ready to confront the true (lack of) relational health in their co-working relationship. Had they gotten to the core of the issues, their future triggers would have most likely lessened and their capacity to navigate the future tensions would have increased.

Later I learned that Jen was planning a transfer due to other circumstances. This anticipated change most likely informed how she engaged in the conversation — saying her piece and content to stay on the surface knowing that her working context was soon to change.

An Alternative Ending

Had Jen and Nathan embraced the discomfort of the moment for long term gain, here’s how the scenario might have played out differently:

As Jen and Nathan sat in the tension a bit longer, and probed a bit more curiously, more of the underlying concerns began to surface. Nathan named a trigger of people disagreeing with his ideas. He felt that when others did this they were dismissing him as a person. Jen curiously asked, “How would you hope for people to engage with you when they disagree?” Nathan sits with this question, a visible sense of relief washes over him as he takes the opportunity to respond. He notes how he formulates his ideas intentionally and would hope that his coworkers would seek to understand how he came to form that opinion before immediately countering it. Jen reflects back how Nathan is hoping for an appreciation for his ideas and commits to engage with future opinions rather than hastily dismissing them.

Jen names a desire to truly connect with one another and not just co-exist. Nathan and her begin to brainstorm ways to facilitate this, and settle on the idea to utilize their lunch times to connect with each other, while also showing greater efforts of collaboration while working within their team.

Their curiosity moves them through the uncomfortable dip as their gaps are illuminated and embraced, allowing them to move to a place of growth as they seek to understand one another and how they can better support each other’s needs in the workplace.

Staying Curious

People want to feel seen and known in their wounding. They want to know that you understand their experience. You cannot change the past experience, but helping someone feel understood is a significant step towards building trust and actually making the relevant future changes needed to address the hurts.

Stay curious,

Jodi