Responding to the Wise, the Fool, & the Evil

Have you ever been in a situation where someone’s behaviours are impacting you in negative or harmful ways? What did you do about it? Did you say anything? You might have thought, “It must just be me. I must be too sensitive. I’ll focus on what I can control.” Are you really being sensitive, or maybe you’re just perceptive?

If not, then I’ll ask you a different question. Are you in a position of authority over others? Have you ever asked the people you oversee or influence how your leadership impacts them?

We all find ourselves in interconnected relationships, where power and authority are factors. This can be an employee/employer relationship, a parent/child relationship, a coach/athlete relationship, teacher/student relationship and the list goes on. When healthy, these relationships are nurturing and caring, they help us grow and develop. But when these relationships are not healthy they can have disappointing, devastating and even harmful impacts.

What do we do when we find ourselves in relationships where there is an impact of harm? One would assume that you would say something about it, but confronting individuals who are using their power in a way that causes harm can feel insurmountable. Also to note, if someone is acting in a way that is manipulative, coercive or exploitative, (intended to be that way or not) we can only presume that they will respond in the same way when confronted about these very same behaviours. How do we know when our efforts will make a difference?

The Relief of Hopelessness

Having clarity around when we should double our efforts or when we should walk away can be a defining moment, both for those in positions of decision-making around the issue, and for those raising concerns about the behaviours they are experiencing. Henry Cloud emphasizes the significance in recognizing when hopelessness is reached in his book Necessary Endings when he describes the freedom that comes from “giving up hope” when you know that something is not going to change. This acknowledgement of reality can bring energy. This does not negate the incredible challenge of making decisions or the relational dynamics that are present. What this does provide is a recognition of current circumstances that can inform decision-making to mitigate expending additional time and increased heartache on something that will not change.

It can be tempting to assume that everyone would want to know when their behaviours are harming others, and to assume that once this truth is revealed, that people would want to apologize and alter their behaviours. Cloud points out an unfortunate alternative, “It is essential to understand that not everyone is going to be open or even desirous of the change that you are trying to bring about.” How do we know if someone is going to acknowledge fault and desire change once confronted?

Diagnosing Character

Cloud’s research has shown that most people fall into three categories of behaviour: wise people, foolish people, and evil people. Understanding which of these characteristics you are dealing with is critical in discerning how you are to engage with this person, and ultimately, if there is any hope in them repenting and turning from their behaviour. The following provides an overview of each of these categories.

Wise

How they respond to feedback: When presented with frank and honest feedback, they receive it, and make adjustments in response to the opportunities to grow.

What to do as a result: You can have hope for change because the individual is able to receive feedback and make adjustments. Success is not guaranteed, but far more likely. Give them resources, train them and coach them.

The Fool

How they respond to feedback: Tries to adjust the truth so he or she does not have to adjust to it. The fool rejects feedback, explains it away, and does nothing to adjust to meet requirements.

What to do as a result: Continuing to talk about the issues will not change the response- so stop talking. At this point intervention of limits and consequences are needed. Limits protects against additional collateral damage, and consequences result in people feeling the pain of their choice not to listen and change. Change will only occur when it begins to cost them.

Evil People

When we are looking at harmful behaviour, we often express that regardless of intentions (assuming they are not meant to harm) we still measure the impact. In some cases, there is an intent to harm.

How they respond to feedback: These people are divisive, enjoy when people fail and want to destroy.

What to do as a result: Stay away and create the firmest protection possible, most likely enlisting the help of professionals.

So what do we do now?

If you are the person experiencing the harm, ask yourself, how have they responded to feedback in the past? If they have responded as the “wise,” lean in. If they’ve responded as the “fool,” enlist the help of someone in authority over this person or someone else who can support you. If they have acted as the “evil,” set immediate boundaries and do the work to distance yourself from them.

If you are wondering if you have ever caused someone else harm by your actions, maybe reflect, “How have I responded to feedback from others? Am I willing to be confronted? Do I listen well and embody a humility to be presented with new information and am I willing to change my mind?”

Not doing anything is actually a decision. Decision-making in these circumstances is incredibly complex and requires contextual considerations.

For those impacted by harm: What is at stake for you? How will you proceed?

For those making decisions: What is at stake for you? How will you respond?