The Problem of Proximity: Disrupting our Assumptions to Discover Something New
Our relational proximity to family can act as a barrier to discovering something new about them. If you stand up close to a piece of art, your proximity to the piece can prevent you from taking it all in and seeing its beauty. The same can be said for family when we find ourselves focusing on one part of a person that prevents us from stepping back and taking in the bigger picture of who they are.
When we see people through a narrow focus, it is often driven by our assumptions of them. We believe we know what they think, how they feel, why they did something — the assumptions can be unlimited and they can fuel the conflicts that exist within family.
When family acts in ways that we suspect, we use their “predicted” behaviours as evidence that we are justified in our assumptions. We begin to believe the lie that family will always remain as we have known them. We think to ourselves, what’s the point of engaging when I already know the outcome? Whether these conflicts rise to the surface, or whether they are buried deep, they can only be altered when we have new information that disrupts our assumptions. So how do we get this new information?
In short, we get curious. But becoming curious is not always easy. Our brains want to take short cuts and make connections to ease the mental strain. In conflict, this is especially troubling because we ascribe intentions to behaviour, we shortcut understanding, and our brains (under threat) make it very difficult to take in new information. The key is to be able to notice when we are making these assumptions and turn them into questions.
With family, we can remind ourselves of the ways that we have changed over the years and generously wonder the same about the growth in our family members — the hobbies that energize them, the new friends that challenge them, the various stressors they are facing.
What would change about your family gatherings if you asked different questions than the scripts we often engage with? To the family member who went travelling this year, you can build on the, “How was your trip?” With a layer deeper, “What did you learn about yourself while travelling?” To the family member with a new job, you can similarly build on the, “How is it?” To a deeper knowing, “What’s been most rewarding in your new role? What have you found to be the most challenging?”
What would it look like to disrupt the scripts you've historically held of family to get to know them on their own terms?
Each context and each relationship will look different. If you find that your family gatherings are often intentional and filled with connection, you might challenge yourself to get to a layer deeper. For others, just showing up to your family gathering takes effort. If this is you, we will take some time to creatively explore the challenges of engaging with family in Parts 2, 3, and 4 of the Home for the Holidays series.
Within your specific setting, and in your relationships, how can you challenge the problem of proximity, step back, and get curious?
Tips for posturing ourselves with curiosity:
Reflect:
How am I approaching gathering with family?
If this gathering went exactly as I would hope, what would the outcomes be?
When I think about gathering with family, what gaps in my understanding can I intentionally “notice” that can spark my curiosity?
Are there specific family members that I might want to connect with more intentionally?
What assumptions do I have of them? How could I turn these assumptions into questions?
Engage:
You don’t have to take on the weight of intentional gathering all by yourself. Who could you partner with to achieve these outcomes?
Ask this individual: What do you hope for from these gatherings?
How can we support each other as we engage intentionally with family?
Here are some questions you might ask to meaningfully connect with those family members you identified:
What’s exciting to you right now?
What’s heavy on your mind over the holidays?
What are you anticipating?
What’s an experience in this past year that’s impacted you?
What are you learning about right now?
BONUS: to each question above, ask a follow up question that deepens your understanding. See if you can do this 5x!
What is happening in their world matters, but what’s more important is their interpretation of what is happening around them. See what you can discover through your curiosity!