Money, Politics & Religion: How to have that hard conversation
It might not be money, politics, or religion that raise the blood pressure in your family, but in most families there are those conversations that feel off-limits, or a history of behaviours that no one wants to address.
We can become disillusioned with the prospect of change after years of failed confrontations, or when we have the challenging talks but patterns don’t seem to change.
What do we do when the interventions don’t seem to work? Dr. Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time,” emphasizing that people reveal their true character through their words and actions. Outside of family, when people cause us stress, display irritability, incessantly complain, or treat us poorly, the typical response might be to distance ourselves or even consider ending the relationship. However, family is family and setting boundaries can be uniquely challenging. We may feel the pressure to maintain the status quo and to conform to the patterns we grew up with. This challenge is often magnified during the Christmas season when families gather, bringing hidden issues to the forefront.
While we want to believe that people are who they show us they are, we also don’t want to rule out the possibility for change when something new is introduced; whether that’s perspectives, new questions, or alternative approaches.
If someone comes to your mind as you’re reading this, and if you decide that now is the time for a challenging conversation, here are a few insights to help support that dialogue. Feel free to take what’s helpful and what applies to your specific situation. Engaging intentionally is an art, not a science.
Pre-Work:
Reflect
The true work of change in conflict starts with the self. Before we start pointing fingers, go inward first.
What would you hope for from this relationship? Being able to share this in the conversation provides broader perspective to the granular issues and helps people remain open.
What would happen if nothing changed? Critically reflecting on the relationship will give you the motivation you need to engage in a (potentially) very difficult conversation.
Time
Set aside ample, agreed-upon time for the conversation. If more time is needed, commit to a specific future time and place.
Attention
Remove distractions like phones and other obligations to fully focus on the conversation.
Privacy
If the conversation is on display, it becomes less about you two and more about external perceptions. Meet separately from large gatherings or find an appropriate time before/after.
Framing
Indicate your hopes for the conversation, framing it around your reflections and motivations. This helps make the other person curious and reduces defensiveness.
Much of the work for a successful conversation happens in this pre-work. Take time to reflect and think through how you will engage, as it can significantly impact the conversation's effectiveness.
Engage:
Posture yourself with Curiosity & Empathy
Explore the meaning behind what they share with you. Not just what is on the surface.
Listen to understand, not just to silently wait for your turn to speak.
Show empathy by genuinely understanding their experiences and emotions. It fosters connection and opens the door for positive change.
Equity
Ensure each person feels heard. Reflect on what you hear from them and confirm understanding by asking, "Am I getting this right?" Encourage them to do the same by asking, "What are you hearing me say?" This promotes clarity and mutual understanding.
Impact over Intent
Share how their actions have affected you and your relationship rather than accusing them of right or wrong. Highlight the impact to keep the conversation focused and avoid unnecessary judgment where defences are heightened.
Leverage for Change:
If the conversation is feeling stuck, you might need to regroup and return at a later point. Try keeping these pieces in mind:
Work together
Move to a collaborative viewpoint, observing the problem together rather than blaming each other, “I think it is important to work this out. How could we approach this together?”
Emphasize shared goals, creating an environment where everyone is invested in finding solutions.
Deliberate, Evaluate & Decide
After hearing each other out, give yourself space to consider various options without making immediate decisions. Keep everything on the table to stay open to possibilities.
Assess options based on what's important to both of you.
Make a decision and plan how and when to follow up. Setting a follow-up time ensures accountability and removes the pressure to bring up the topic naturally. Approach the conversation as an ongoing process, rather than something that requires immediate resolution.
I applaud you if you’ve made it this far. It takes incredible courage to have these hard conversations, especially with someone close to you where the stakes feel high. By opting for a meaningful conversation, you are embracing temporary discomfort for the long-term benefit of your relationship and the possibility for growth and change.